


Instinct

by iluvaqt



Series: His Best Girl [19]
Category: Ant-Man (2015), Arrow (TV 2012), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Blood Brothers, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-20
Updated: 2015-07-20
Packaged: 2018-04-10 04:51:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4377851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iluvaqt/pseuds/iluvaqt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A training exercise forces the team to confront issues they may have repressed. Steve and Bucky talk about control and the lack of it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Instinct

Steve had felt this grip before, and it had been just as crushing and frightening then. He grabbed Bucky’s wrist and lifted his legs to kick against his chest. Feeling his shoulder pull under the blow, Bucky dropped him and Steve dove away for his shield.

Nearby he could see Oliver and Clint resorting to blows and jabs with knives, all out of arrows, trick and otherwise. 

He lost sight of Maria and Natasha, but he knew they were around. His main concern was making sure Bruce didn’t try to get in on this madness. Who’s brilliant idea it was to use an emotionally triggered simulation needed their head examined.

Sam and Tony were currently trying to outmaneuver one another and only narrowly avoided clothes-lining, Wasp who had turned human-size to out run Ant-Man’s pursuit.

It was total chaos. They had come in ready and expecting to be fight the enemy, not each other. Come to think of it, he’d heard sounds of gunfire and explosions, but since entering the simulation he hadn’t seen one threat. Aside from his best friend who was doing his darndest to rearrange his face.

Bucky dove at him and he dodged the smashing fist. “Wait,” he yelled.

Steve suddenly got it. They were fighting each other because they were under some kind of illusion. This was a test. He had only figured out it was Bucky he was fighting when his grip had felt familiar, shattering the illusion that had been playing with his mind.

Bucky grabbed the edge of his shield and wrenched it off him. Steve grunted in protest to the jerking movement. His joints were going to be screaming at him tomorrow. He was really beginning to get pissed off at how much stronger Bucky was with that arm.

“Buck, it’s an illusion. I’m not the enemy,” Steve yelled at him. It had only taken him five minutes to figure that out, but it was five minutes of constantly avoiding getting any teeth punched out and ending up in traction for a week.

“You think you know me. You don’t. Everyone keeps saying I’m an Avenger, a good guy. I’m not a good guy,” Bucky screamed. 

Steve dodged another fist and it crunched into the concrete floor near his head. Steve’s gaze flew to Bucky’s face for a moment, studying his eyes. They were slightly red rimmed with a reddish glow. Wanda. The lapse in attention cost him. A boot to the stomach set him sailing into a wall and through it. He pushed himself up as Bucky climbed through the void. 

“You think I’m redeemable. I’m not. Even Darcy knows it now. She didn’t before but she does now. You call yourself my friend? Why didn’t you stop me! I have no business being with them. I’m a monster, look at me!” he screamed at Steve. “I could have killed her. I’ve killed so many. The blood is never going to wash out. I’ll never be free.” Bucky fell to his knees, his face tormented and his back stooped. 

Steve looked around, seeing if he could spot the sorceress. “Wanda, enough!”

The simulation ended and the illusion everyone seemed to be subject to, fell away. Sam and Tony looked the most shocked. The others fighting seemed exhausted and a touch embarrassed. 

“Who were you fighting just now?” Tony demanded of Sam.

Sam scratched his head. “Ah.. a rogue Iron Man sentinel.”

“Not outside the realm of possibility,” Tony agreed.

Sam took off his broken tracking goggles. “Who were you fighting?”

“You,” Tony said simply. “Evil, relentless, can’t shake you off my ass, you.”

Sam’s mouth fell open. “You used missiles on me?”

Tony shrugged. “You fired first.”

“I thought you were a drone!”

Natasha and Maria were both breathing hard, and sporting fresh bruises, weeping cuts and Maria had a split lip and a cut inside her mouth. She was counting herself lucky that Natasha had seemed to be holding back. “Latent aggression?”

“You had a gun in my face and I didn’t have my bites, you’re lucky I didn’t break your arm,” Natasha said with a grimace as she squeezed and flexed her wrist. Maria used her height and every pound of extra mass to her advantage, she certainly hadn’t pulled her punches.

“I’m sorry for my part in the secrecy. But I guess being Fury’s favorite agent for so many years you know how he likes to play things,” Maria said conversationally.

Natasha twitched a smile and extended her pain free hand to Maria. “Byones?”

Maria smiled and then groaned, the split on the inside of her cheek and the corner of her mouth stretching. She shook Widow’s hand and then dropped it, gingerly touching the side of her face. “Damn it, remind me never to sign up for training sims again.”

Natasha arched an eyebrow. “Oh, I’m going to have words with Fury over this one.”

“Can’t argue the merits of focusing more on using our other senses though. I knew something was off after I heard the way your were breathing. It didn’t match the picture I had in my head. Viper doesn’t breathe like you do. Does she even breathe through her nose?” Maria asked, only half joking.

Natasha only smirked and shrugged, heading for the showers.

Oliver and Clint collapsed next to each other. “Remind me never to go up against you in a dark alley?” Clint joked.

“You’re the best workout I’ve had in years. It was strange. I’ve been hit with mind altering drugs before, but this was something else. I was fighting myself but you were coming at me with moves I’d never used before. And in the back of my mind, I knew it wasn’t reality and yet it was felt too real. I could feel the strain of my body, and the pain of the hits. The adrenaline gave it an edge and I could feel the blood pumping. I wasn’t dreaming, so I went with mind control of some kind and decided I need to just sweat it out, or wait for the illusion to break.”

“That ricochet shot was a neat move. Nearly winged me.”

Oliver grinned proudly. “That was the goal. You’ve got game. How long did you train?”

“My dad gave me my first bow at six. I’ve been honing that skill since then. Fury recruited me for his special operations division when I was seventeen. It was just before Dr. Pym left the organization and S.H.I.E.L.D was still in its early stages. I knew Peggy Carter. Did she have a presence about her let me tell you. She was graying and old enough to be my grandmother but the way she carried herself. The woman could command attention in a room full of men, without batting an eye and pack a punch like a ranger. You’ve got youth on your side, Queen. I’m 45. I’m starting to feel my age. Trick I’ve learned. Never stop trying to broadened your ability. Watch different styles of fighting and take up any offer to learn a new skill. Never know when it might save your life.”

“Truer words,” Oliver agreed. He held out his hand to Clint. “I take my hat off to the master.”

“A more experienced marksman, perhaps,” Clint quipped. “You’ve got the eye and the mind to be out of my league someday. But not today,” he said with a wink.

Oliver chuckled and got to his feet, limping under the cramp he’d developed while he’d been sitting. He winced as he felt the muscles in his side protesting his overstretch. He was never totally without pain. His body was a mass of scar tissue from his time on the island, his year as Waller’s errand boy and later as a mob enforcer. There were also breaks that had never been set properly that ached like a bitch in the cold, or if he overworked himself, which was often.

Clint frowned. “I noticed some of your movements looked stiff. Before you fly out, you should get medical to take a look. They’ve had some major breakthroughs with repairing bone, muscle and tissue fibres with simulated organic material. I couldn’t tell the difference and there’s no scarring.”

“Thanks, I’ll ask them to take a look.”

Scott opened his visor and helped Hope up off the floor. “Sorry about that cheap shot.”

Hope grimaced as a muscle in her side protested her movement. “We really need to do something about our issues.”

“What kind of therapist do we see that will understand an alien clone of you trying to kill me?” he asked, planting his hands on his hips.

“The same kind that can understand what it’s like being held captive and interrogated, studied and poked at like a lab rat for months. I’ve never been supportive of animal testing and being on the other side of that scope, I’m even more vehemently against it. Scott, I care about you, a lot. But if we’re going to make this work, we need to find a way to trust each other again.”

“I fell in love,” he blurted. Immediately disconcerted at how loud he’d said it, and feeling eyes on them as he remembered they weren’t alone. He inched closer, holding her elbow. "I said I love you and I don’t know if you were you or it was her and it’s screwing with my head…”

Her lips on his silenced him. Hope tried to talk to her Dad about her captivity, she couldn’t talk to Scott about it because it had been too invasive and raw and their relationship was still new and she’d never cared about anyone the way she’d come to care for him and she was afraid of opening up. She was scared that she would frighten him off. He had a history of running if things got too heavy or difficult. And she knew she had issues to spare. Part of the reason why her dates had never lasted more than a few weeks were because of her control and trust issues. She didn’t trust anyone with her heart. The people she had loved and admired the most had abandoned her. Her mother not by choice but her father had. Sure he’d been dealing with guilt over the loss of her mother and he’d lied to her for so many years about that and even with his reasons, it would take time to accept that people really valued and loved her. That she wasn’t an asset or an ally, she was a person and loved simply for existing, not for what she could bring to the table.

“We were standing at the fence, watching the fountain in front of the obelisk in Memorial Park," she said softly, watching him with eyes overly bright. "It was nearly midnight but we just needed to get out of the Triskelion. Away from eyes and ears and just be ourselves for five minutes. You gave me this really cute half smile, and you said, I didn’t plan on falling for a girl so far out of my league but how could anyone plan against you?”

Scott brushed away the tear from her pale cheek. He worried she might be more hurt than she let on, so he put his arm around her and walked her over to the exit. “I love you, Hope. It started around the first time you put me on my ass and those feelings just kept building the more time we spent together. By the time we executed our first mission, and I saw those Hydra guys pull a gun on you, I knew I was gone. Cassie will always have first spot in my heart, she’s my girl, but all that I have left… you’re the only woman, I love.”

Steve twitched a smile as he watched the shrinking duo leave. He was happy to hear they would get past this. He hadn’t seen Hope when he’d been on the Skrull ship, but he’d learned later that she’d been in one of the lower levels in a experimentation lab. Like her father, the Pym Particles had altered her DNA. Her parents repeated exposure had affected their genetics but they were altered in different ways. For Hank it was his heart. The repeated size-changing had put a lot of strain on his heart and his body. He couldn't wear the suit and shrink without the risk of suffering a stroke.

Hope put on the suit for the first time, she found that she didn’t need a regulator to control her shrinking ability. The Skrulls had been interested in her DNA, like the had with all the superhumans they had captured and interrogated her not only for intelligence but used her for experimentation. To heal, she need to know that she could talk about her experience and have someone support her no matter what. He had no doubt that her father had done his best, but having Scott beside her would do a world of good to bringing her out of the dark corner of her mind she must have taken refuge in to escape the memories of torment.

He turned his attention back to Bucky. His friend was still slumped where he’d fallen. Steve put his shield on his back. Uniform or not, he was grateful to Tony for retrieving the shield for him. It was Howard Stark's property first, and Fury was hard pressed to deny him that. He was tossing up the idea of wearing the suit again. He wasn’t decided either way yet. Time would tell.

“Buck, whatever you’re going through. I’m here for you,” he said firmly. He put a hand on Bucky’s warm shoulder and squeezed in a comforting gesture. It was then that he felt the slight tremble under his hand. 

Steve crouched in front of him, the rest of the room’s occupants had since limped or drifted out the door and they were alone. Well alone, but for whoever might have stayed up in the observation room.

“Talk to me,” he urged, his eyebrows pinched in concern. James had never been big on showing weak emotion. Honestly, Steve could probably count on one hand the amount of times he’d seen Bucky tear up. “Whatever it is, you think Darcy saw…”

“I was having a nightmare,” he said falling back to sit on his legs. “She was trying to wake me up,” he explained despondently. “I had her in a choke hold in a second and I almost snapped her neck. She’s not Asgardian, or a superhuman. She’s mortal and fragile…” he trailed off, lost in his guilt.

Steve felt his gut roll. His mind took him back to the day he’d seen the bruises on Felicity’s neck. Having felt Bucky’s mechanically aided strength on many occasions himself, he could feel the phantom sensations. And yet he could only imagine what it must have been like for Darcy. “Is she okay?” 

There was a hint of nervousness that he didn’t manage to keep from his voice. He hadn’t seen Darcy around for awhile. Jane was working with Reed Richards and Hank Pym on investigating the theory of a Microverse, a Quantum realm that existed between atoms and it meant that Darcy either stayed at the tower with Bucky, or in the rebuilt Baxter Building with Jane.

Bucky shook his head. “She won’t talk to me. She won’t take my calls or see me. I saw the look in her eyes when I woke up. She was terrified of me.”

Steve let out a slow breath. “You got to work on controlling your strength and awareness. Your instincts tell you to use your best asset and that’s your strong arm. You gotta reprogram that instinct around Darcy if you want to make it work. I did with Felicity. We didn’t know she was stronger than average until after the bombing. At least I wasn’t aware of it. I was always thinking about what would happen if I lost control. It’s not impossible, you just gotta want it bad enough. You’ll get there.”

Bucky flinched at her name and hoped Steve hadn’t noticed. He got to his feet and started for the door. “Not everyone’s so lucky.”

Steve straightened and frowned at him. “What do you mean?”

Bucky’s lips twisted and he seemed to have an internal debate before he answered, “She’s never been afraid of me.” He sucked in a harsh breath and ran his hand through his shorter hair, these days he wore it in a similar style to his Howling Commando days. Darcy liked it. At least she had. He wondered if she liked anything about him now. “I never gave her any reason to trust me, or to like me. But she does, just a shame she loves you more,” he said with a trace of bitterness.

Rattled, Steve watched Bucky leave. His words implied that he’d threatened Felicity more than once. But Bucky wouldn’t, would he? What possible reason could he have? And especially not after he’d seen how they’d interacted the day he ‘died’ and how they’d been in each other's company since. Steve just couldn’t comprehend it.

Troubled, he went to Maria and requested access to Bucky’s S.H.I.E.L.D records for the time he was absent. He had a chuckle to himself over the failed Captain America recruits, until Maria had approached Bucky. The notation said it was on Felicity’s recommendation. Yet he couldn’t find any record of Felicity and Bucky interacting in a briefing or any formally documented capacity. Until he found the training room videos. 

At first, they were playful, perhaps a bit overly competitive from Bucky’s end, but there was no aggression. Bucky had always been a quick study and a good teacher, Steve had to smile at his techniques while instructing Felicity in the art of fencing. They baited and teased each other liked they'd been friends for years. He had to quell a sting of jealousy at their playful teasing. It wasn't flirting. He frowned. He actully wasn't sure what flirty Felicity looked like. He'd already been halfway in love with her after knowing her a week that any attention she gave him was a positive signal. She could be smiling at Bruce and give him the same smile but to him it meant more. He shook his head, he would never deny being the first to fall in love. He glared at the monitor. Her smile was friendly, innocent but he felt himself resenting that she gave it so freely to his best friend. His best friend who admitted to having non-platonic feelings for his wife, even though he knew Bucky would never act on them.

Then he found the recording that he’d been secretly fearful of, the one he had also hoped didn’t exist. It must have been on a day when the ghosts of Hydra had won and the Bucky he knew faded into the darkness.

It looked like Bucky had returned from an assignment. He was still in the uniform.

The video only started when Bucky entered the room, but it looked like Natasha and Felicity had been training before that. Felicity smiled at him and offered to spar. Steve could read from Bucky’s posture, even before he stepped up to the mat that he was angry. What had she been thinking? Steve would have let Bucky brood. He needed a day or two to stew before he would be ready to talk or punch it out with any kind of rationality. His wife was damn stubborn and too nurturing for her own good at times. 

His heart had almost exploded in his chest at the forcity Bucky came at Felicity. He didn’t know why the hell Natasha hadn’t intervened straight away, but he’d seen her shoulder twitch, which indicated she almost had. Felicity had only just kept up her defense until to his amazement, she’d managed to out-think the obviously anger dulled Bucky.

Steve’s relief was short lived when he saw Bucky’s countermove. He almost reactively punched a hole through the monitor, instead he managed to just clip it and break the corner of the screen, causing the image to distort and look all the more horrific. Property damage seemed like a non-issue as he saw Bucky with his hand on Felicity’s throat.

Again he saw Natasha move, but Felicity waved her off. Then he understood why. Bucky hadn’t used his artificial arm. He was fighting his instincts. Felicity believed in him. Believed he could get past the bloodlust rage and a few short but nervewrecking seconds later, her faith was rewarded.

Steve reminded himself to calm, this was in the past. They’d both obviously walked away from this moment. The vein at his temple pulsed with aching force and the cords in his neck threatening to close his airways. 

He knew from Bucky’s comments that this event still weighed on his mind. Steve sat there completely immobilized when it dawned on him that Felicity was already pregnant when this had happened. Everyone had lost their minds. Fear and hurt taking over, he logged out of his access and only barely reined in his temper from smashing the entire system to dust.

He wasn’t surprised to find Bucky at the house when he came storming in. Felicity was working on something, her tech and her paperwork spread over the kitchen table while Bucky was making tea at the breakfast counter.

“You threw her down like she was a test dummy. Your lack of control will get someone killed, Buck! Forget trying to make up with Darcy, until you get a handle on your anger, you have no business being in the field or in training.”

Bucky flinched under Steve’s anger and his stormy expression before he realized where this was coming from. Honestly, he’d expected this for a long time. Nothing went on in the Tower or anywhere within a stone’s throw of S.H.I.E.L.D let alone under their roof without them hearing or having a record of it. “You’re not telling me anything I don’t already know,” he said mildly, continuing to make tea. 

Felicity, at a total loss as to what brought on the outburst and Steve’s completely wrung out composure, put down her welding iron and stood up from her chair. “Steve, you need to take a breath. James is doing his best. You can’t undo years of conditioning overnight--”

“Don’t defend him!” Steve said grabbing her shoulders. “He could have killed you. You could have lost the baby,” he cried, his voice breaking and his face crumpling in front of her wide-eyed shock.

Felicity held his arms and she could feel how upset he was. His muscles were twitching like crazy. She forced them over to the sofa and ran her hands over the sides of his face, hushing him in a gentle manner. “We’re okay. I know I took risks. Probably more than I should have, but I was told keeping up physically was good for me and the pregnancy. He didn’t hurt me, Steve. I know he wouldn’t. Never again,” she said softly. 

Steve clung to her and pressed his face against her throat, feeling her strong, steady pulse. He couldn’t speak. His stomach was still in knots and his brain a total mess of chaotic fear, doubt and still no small amount of anger. Mostly over the fact that he hadn’t been there. 

“I should go,” Bucky said quietly.

Felicity turned to him. “No,” she said firmly. “We never talked about this all together and we’re doing it now. James, I forgave you a long time ago for what you did. I pushed you, I knew what was at stake, so I wasn’t totally innocent there. What happened in the training room was an accident. A misunderstanding. That said, I think you should get counselling. Someone outside S.H.I.E.L.D,” she said with a pointed look when he opened his mouth in protest. It was a mandatory part of their recruitment to have a psych-evaluation. Sometimes she thought that doctor should be de-licensed, if they were deemed a suitable asset for whatever determined purpose, Felicity would bet money that any psychological concerns would be swept under the rug. "I recommend Charles Xavier. He’s a busy man, he’s the best there is and if he can help a man like Logan, he can help anyone.”

Bucky nodded slowly. He knew of Charles. He remembered when the man had made himself a target of Hydra in the 80s by freeing mutants under Hydra control. They’d written him off as too dangerous to attempt to eliminate. His influence and resources too extensive, it risked triggering too much backlash if they failed to take him out properly. Charles’ interest were only in mutants so they’d been more sneaky about their operations and both parties seemed to have ignored each other for the most part.

Felicity turned her attention on Steve. “We have to trust each other. We don’t always get things right the first time. There’s no more sparing for me. Hasn’t been since I’ve had trouble seeing my feet,” she said with a self conscious smile. She planted his hands on her extended belly. “We’re fine.”

Steve felt his little girl, they’d finally had that scan done and it had been as mind-blowing as he’d thought it would be. He’d been in danger of asphyxiating before Felicity squeezed his hand and he’d calmed down, remembering to breathe. Seeing his daughter sucking her fingers and roll around for the first time and knocked him for a six. There was a purposeful nudge against his hand and it plastered an enormous grin on his face. The tightness around his heart gave way and he let out a short laugh under the tide of relief that came under the evidence of Felicity and their growing child’s health.

He glanced up at Bucky and found the other man watching them, his eyes suspiciously wet and a slight twitch to his lips. Like he wanted to smile but had forgotten how.

Steve got up and put his arms around his oldest friend. He hugged Bucky tightly and clapped him on the back. “My instincts still need work,” he confessed openly.” He pulled back but braced Bucky’s metal arm with his, in a deliberate show of acceptance. “She trusts you. I trust you, Buck. Don’t let them win. Someday soon I’ll show you just how much you mean to us, brother.”

Bucky felt his lips thin as he battled the riot of emotions boiling inside him. “How can I ask her to accept how messed up I am?” he asked, looking at Felicity. Her easy, comforting smile broke the control he had over his tear ducts and he felt wetness on his cheeks. 

“If she’s the one, James, you won’t have to ask.”

::: ::: :::

Bucky stood inside the elevator and pushed the intercom for her floor. Felicity had called ahead for him and the droid at reception had let him through the lobby to the elevators.

“It’s me,” he said, almost having to cough to get his throat to work. He centered his balance quickly as the elevator started to ascend.

She answered the door after his second knock and he didn’t miss the warning look and show of solidarily Jane showed her best friend by hovering in the background where he could see her.

“Darcy, I’m so sorry I hurt you. It was never my intention and you have every right to walk away and want nothing to do with me, but I’m going to get help. Give me a chance?” He looked at her imploringly, his hands at open but reaching out for her but keeping a safe distance, just in case she felt threatened.

She watched him with her big brown eyes and he noticed just a hint of black not covered by her silk scarf that she had loosely wrapped around her throat. He winced inwardly and glanced away. She hadn’t moved from her spot, half hidden by the door, as though using it as a shield between them.

Bucky hug his head and nodded slowly. “Okay. Well, I’m due to ride up to Xavier’s School tomorrow, so I’ll be in town. Or if you ever want to drop by the Tower, you’re welcome any time,” he said his voice hopeful. He turned away and pushed the call button. He turned back to her after a moment and was almost barrelled over by the force of her hug.

“You had me at Darcy,” she croaked softly, her voice barely a whisper.

Bucky caught her and set her on her feet, with a gentle human hand he brushed her cheek tenderly. “Aw, love, don’t talk,” his own voice failed him to hear how badly he’d unintentionally hurt her. He touched his forehead to hers. 

“Usually, the guy brings flowers, or chocolate, something…” she whispered, her face teasing as she played with his collar.

Bucky fished in his back pocket. He flashed the tickets at her. “I needed you to let me up first,” he said with a cheeky grin. One that he knew she loved. She had confessed repeatedly, she was a sucker for his pearly whites. “How’s tickets to Yankee Stadium to see them play the last game against Baltimore?”

Darcy snatched them out of his hands, and then threw her arms around his neck and jumped up and down, silently squealing with joy. “I love you, you’re my favorite person,” she said in a gravelly whisper.

Bucky smiled again but less brilliantly. He doubt she meant it the way he wanted. They’d only been on a handful of dates and the one time she stayed over, he’d nearly killed her. He closed his eyes in shame but they snapped open at the soft touch of her full pouty beautiful lips against the corner of his mouth. “What was that for?” he asked quietly. “No, don’t,” he said putting a finger to her lips. “Stop talking. I want you to get better. I like the sound of your voice.”

“And that’s how I know you’re a total dork,” Jane interjected, her arms folded over her chest from where she stood framing to open doorway. “Darcy can sell ice to the Eskimos just so they’d get some quiet. Come on in, it’s almost time for lunch. I’ll play interpretor and we’ll actually get our girl to stop trying to talk when she shouldn’t be,” Jane said with a pointed glare at Darcy.

Darcy stuck out her tongue and glared right back. She took Bucky’s hand and didn’t let him politely decline lunch, since his visit was impromptu. She knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t want to impose. 

Bucky couldn’t be more grateful that his girl was a take charge type. He was happy to let her lead, and relieved she was brave and cared enough about him to give him a chance.

He thought Felicity’s faith in love was naive and idealistic but he was happy to be proven wrong. With the right person. You didn’t have to ask.


End file.
